My wife and I celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary today. My definition of an expert is someone who has done everything wrong and through the process of elimination discovered the right things. So by my definition I’m an expert on marriage.

I asked my wife this morning “what is the secret of our success?” The conversation led to a series of tweets as we were hanging out celebrating our anniversary throughout the day.  Here is a list of the tweets containing the wisdom I’ve acquired in 140 character tidbits. Enjoy! This counts as an anniversary card, honey.

  • Married for 12 years today. Secret of our success:

  • marry your best friend and don’t take yourself too seriously…
  • women love a guy who has mastered the chinese yo-yo.
  • if wife asks do these pants make my butt look big. Don’t say your butt makes your butt look big
  • learn to enjoy grocery shopping.
  • don’t forget your wife’s Birthday.
  • understand lingerie is NOT a good Christmas present.
  • realize when you took the job of husband you took the job of 3am spider killer.
  • Learn the exact location of the dirty clothes hamper and apply said knowledge.
  • Share the remote.
  • If you’re faced with a 14 hour car ride vs. an expensive airline ticket. Fly. #worthit
  • If dinner is at 5, don’t show up at 6.
  • The laptop is not welcome at the dinner table.
  • Learning that a Rocky marathon does not count as date night.
  • Paycheck? I get a paycheck?
  • Watching the Bachelor together is only “sweet” if you don’t relentlessly make fun of it.
  • Don’t ever paint a room together. #trustme
  • Never assume you know your spouse well enough to pack their bag for a trip. You don’t.
  • Learning that “I’m fine.” Is code for “If you don’t know, I’m not telling you.”
  • If it’s date night, HAVE A PLAN.
  • When you ask her where she wants to eat and she says “I don’t care.” She’s lying.
  • Learning that laughing at each other is okay… until it’s not… You’ll figure it out.
  • Trying to never use the phrase “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
  • Learning that just because apple made a new product doesn’t mean I “need” it.
  • Don’t spend the day of your anniversary tweeting. #oops
  • Find a wife that will love you just the way you are.
What is the secret to your success? Leave a comment, let me know. Also follow me on twitter @joewoolworth